so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
