I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Randomize