did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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