Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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