Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
