got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
