Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
