my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
My feet surprised me
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
