I faked an abortion last night.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
