My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
me + whiskey = a bad person
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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