I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
