The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
