When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
