Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
