no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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