watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
