i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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