you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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