Just fell off a train. Bad.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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