I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
