Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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