I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
