I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You peed on a flamingo?!?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
