I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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