im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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