from now on my penis is your penis
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
