it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
