I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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