I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
