can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
