yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Quick, to the slutcave!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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