And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
