1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
