I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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