party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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