He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
where are you?
Hypothermia
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
