Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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