omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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