I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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