I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
