I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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