wakey wakey hands off snakey
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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