yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
