in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize