Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
