I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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