you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
