Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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