I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
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Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
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Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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