Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
How does it feel to date your dad?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
