Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
