No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
