WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
