hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
