He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
