I wanna bring you to show and tell
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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