I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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