I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
