god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
