Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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